The dark-haired man jerked away from him, rolling to a sitting position, his expression furious and hurt.

"You shut the fuck up! This is all your fault! Why couldn’t you be ugly and smell bad or something? But no, you had to be gorgeous and blond and sexy! She was weak and you moved in for the kill! I hurt her so bad when I walked out and until you screwed it all up, I was going to ask her to give me a second chance, let me make it up to her...maybe even work our way back to marriage..." Xander glared at him, the tears in his eyes ruining the effect. He hated this empty, aching feeling Spike always left him with. Even if he did understand Xander more than anyone else, Spike had the uncanny ability to make him feel like the world’s biggest loser. He felt like he did when he was around his father...never good enough. "I let myself believe that you were harmless, that you couldn’t hurt us, but then you turn around and you move in on my fiancee...just because I left, doesn’t mean I didn’t love her..."

"It takes two to tango, luv. I was in the right place at the wrong time...things happened. I wasn’t there looking for a shag and I doubt she was expecting me to walk in the store. Despite what you think, Xander, the thing with Anya was not about you." Xander snorted and Spike amended, "Okay, maybe it was on her part, but I didn’t give you a thought." He felt like shit when Xander visibly flinched. "Soddin’ hell, don’t give me the wounded puppy eyes. I was hurt and she looked so sad and...things happened." He finished lamely, still looking into those gorgeous, heart-melting eyes. "What is it with you brooding beauties and your sad, ‘drown-in-me’, chocolate eyes? My sire was the same bleedin’ way." He needed another cigarette. "Even without the soul, Angelus had those eyes...had me wrapped around his little finger, he did. I would do almost anything for him and it cost me Dru. Stole her from me when I was in that poncy wheelchair, treated me like the dirt on the bottom of his shoes." Sighing, Spike came back to himself and his lip curled in a slight sneer. "Thought the Slayer would be different, but I was out of my bleedin’ mind. She said I was beneath her, that I was a disgusting thing and she was using me. I told her once that I was love’s bitch and she proved me right again, she did." He paused, realizing that he was picking at his black nail polish and opening up to Xander like a teenage girl. "Look, mate, I know you hate me right now and I am sorry that you got hurt. You’re not so bad...treat me fairly decent really...even if we hardly agree on anything. You did put me up for a bit in your basement. If you think about it, we’re not so different, you and I...we love too much, too fast...and look what it gets us...not a bloody thing." He sighed and went to move off the bed, but Xander blocked his way. "Xan..."

"Why did you go to the magic shop, Spike?" He had to know what had started the chain of events that led to him raping Spike against the crypt wall. The blond sighed and ran a hand over his gelled hair and rubbed his neck as if to dispel tension there. Spike mumbled something that Xander couldn’t quite make out. "What?" The blond closed his eyes briefly and then slowly opened them, not looking at Xander as he spoke.

"I went there for a numbing spell...something to keep from hurting every time I looked at her or heard her voice. Buffy’s not the first to tell me I wasn’t up to par and with my track record, I doubt she’ll be the last. Anya hurt you in retaliation, I hurt you unintentionally, double-edged sword and all that, you know. I wanted something to take away the pain and all that happened was more people got hurt. I may not have a soul, but I do have a heart and it can still break even if it’s not beating." He finally looked up at Xander who was nodding his head as if he completely understood. "God, we’re a pair, aren’t we, pet?" Again, Xander nodded, a sad smile on his face and tears in his eyes. "I didn’t mean to hurt you, Xander, truly."

"I’m sorry...for..." Unable to say it out loud, Xander waved his arm toward the wall where he’d raped Spike. Tears slid down his cheeks. Spike reached out and gently wiped them away with his fingers. Xander seemed surprised at the caring touch.

"I know that you are. I forgive you. Chalk it up to temporary insanity, ‘kay, luv? Besides, not like it was the first time..." He saw Xander’s head come up fast at his last comment, wide shocked dark eyes met his. "Angelus, remember? Scourge of Europe? Nasty temper, he has. Don’t want to get on his bad side...rotten son of a bitch, that one." Xander felt a fist squeeze his heart at the name of the evil vampire...ironically, he didn’t want to think of Angelus hurting Spike like that. He refused to admit that he was also jealous of the dark demon for spending all those years with the bleached blond. Instead, he gave a soft, humorless laugh.

"Angelus...he almost killed me, but Drusilla stopped him...it was that spell I had Amy cast...a love spell...but she tried to kill me, too."

"Amy? The chit that got turned into a rat tried to kill you?" Spike sounded surprised. He recalled hearing about her from Willow and Buffy, who had herself been turned into a rat during that spell thing with Xander. However, Amy had been a rat for a lot longer than Buffy.

"Not her...Drusilla. She called me 'Kitten'." Xander shook his head. "Asked me what I thought about eternal life...said my face was a poem." He shuddered at the memory.

"Dru always did have a thing for you. Said you were dark and dreamy...could see things. I think she saw you as sort of a kindred spirit, so to speak. You with all your perception...used to piss me off the way she’d spout off about you." Spike admitted.

"I wasn’t good enough for her, huh?" Xander asked, a self-deprecating smile curving his lush mouth. It didn’t surprise him, after all, he was donut boy and Spike was...well, Spike was hot...and sensual and...not Xander. Spike saw the self-doubt on the human’s face, watched as Xander’s expressive eyes showed him the extent to which the whelp was putting himself down. It made him angry as he recalled all the times the boy had been ignored or brushed aside by the rest of the Scoobies. He also knew from living with the kid that Xander’s family life was just as emotionally devastating.

"Bloody hell, boy, don’t you ever stop beating yourself up? You’re better than the lot of us, don’t you know that? You’re the one that everyone thinks is without special talents, but you see things, Xan, you see things better than anyone. You’re ‘perceptive guy’, remember? You may think you’re nothing special, but I know different." Spike reached out and brushed back a stray, dark curl from Xander’s forehead and they both gasped at the electric shock, which hadn’t happened earlier when Spike had wiped away Xander’s tears. The boy's eyes darkened a shade and Spike groaned as the scent of Xander’s arousal hit him full force, his body reacting accordingly. What was it with him and these dark-haired beauties? He hungered for them, his weakness for them was absolute. "I know different." He repeated, softly, his eyes boring into Xander’s. Unconsciously, Xander licked his lips and looked away. A bolt of pleasure rocked Spike and he heard himself growl softly. Xander looked back at him with dazed chocolatey eyes. Bloody hell...must touch him...must taste him. Need clawed at the vampire.

Gently pushing Xander back onto the bed, Spike dipped his head, licking a trail up Xander’s throat. He heard the boy whimper and breathed deep, he grew even harder as he smelled the increase of arousal in Xander’s blood as it pounded beneath the boy’s skin. Xander shivered, wanting Spike to never stop touching him. Spike nipped him with blunt teeth, arousing him further. Spike heard Xander gasp and looked at the whelp through his lashes, the boy looked absolutely delicious. Xander’s head was thrown back against the mattress, his eyes closed, full lips parted, and his face flushed. Spike’s demon stirred at the sight of the boy.

"Let’s take these off, yeah?" Spike pulled off Xander’s shoes and socks, dropping them unceremoniously on the floor next to his bed. He crawled back up Xander’s body, his smile predatory, his eyes reflecting his hunger for the boy.

Xander groaned as Spike slid a hand under his black tee-shirt, gasping in surprise as the vampire ripped it in two. He opened his eyes and saw Spike’s lips lift in a sexy smirk. Xander cried out as Spike swirled his tongue around a tight nipple, arching his back. He moaned, writhing beneath the other man’s mouth as Spike moved to the other side,  the blond scraped blunt teeth over the stiff peak, and then soothed the sting with his cool tongue. Xander whimpered with every laving stroke, his jeans becoming tighter by the second.

TBC...